From Procrastination to Perfectionism: Tackling Self-Sabotage

Hello, Tazmin.

Hello, Sarah.

How are you?

Well, do we come clean with our listeners and give them

some behind-the-scenes content of we've got some new equipment.

You've got a fancy new microphone, and it was touch and go, wasn't it?

Trying to, trying to get it all working.

But fingers crossed we figured it out, and we stayed calm under the pressure.

We certainly did stay calm under the pressure, um, and

just really anxious to record this episode for our, for our listeners.

You're very anxious?

Did I say anxious?

I've, I've lost my word.

This isn't the word.

I want to do-- I want to record.

I'm excited to record this.

That's, that's more like the energy we want.

That's more like the energy.

Um, so today's episode is gonna be about self-sabotage, and I thought that this

would be a good conversation because I think it's something that resonates

with me, and I definitely, as I've had conversations with other people in the

industry or when you see content online, I can see that this topic is gonna resonate

with our listeners as well, and maybe even resonate with you as well, Tazmin.

So where I'd like to start is give a definition first to make sure that

we're both on the same page And what might be quite helpful, Tazmin, is

when I say the definition, like, if you agree or if that's what you think

of when you think of self-sabotage.

So here we go.

Self-sabotage involves intentional action or inaction that undermines

your progress and prevents you from accomplishing your goals.

Examples include procrastination, avoiding important decisions, engaging in negative

self-talk, or neglecting responsibilities.

It can also look like defensiveness.

That wasn't easy for me to say.

Defensiveness, there we go.

Pushing people away or being unable to take constructive criticism.

I feel like this rings true for me.

Perfectionism, creating unreachable standards for yourself, or not

being able to ask others for help.

So how does that definition sit with you?

Gosh, all of it.

As you were speaking, I'm going, "Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

I've done that.

I've done that.

I've done that.

I've done that." Um, not limited to that list.

Definitely things that, there are some things that I do exceeds that list.

But it's it- it's a really s- difficult one because even when

you're doing it, even when you're conscious that you're doing it, it's

not always easy to break out of it.

Yes, definitely.

Definitely, and I think that's where, um, uh… 'Cause it's interesting, isn't it?

Because at the start it says self-sabotage, it involves intentional

action, and I suppose it can still be intentional if we don't know that we're

doing it, because it's an action that we're doing because we're, we're not

wanting to do an action because of insert whatever emotion you're feeling, right?

Yeah.

And one, the one that really hit home was perfectionism.

Yes.

Yes.

And I think a lot of SEOs would have that as well, perfectionism and yeah,

that's who we are as people, isn't it?

Now, I, I did run a little LinkedIn poll and, um, I got… So just to

be transparent with numbers here, because, you know, data's only g-

as good as the numbers that you got.

So this little poll that I did got 28 votes.

And I asked a very simple question and I just said, "Do you self-sabotage?"

And out of the 28 people who voted, 71% said, "Yep, that's me." 21% said

they don't think so, so they don't think that they do, and 7% said, "No,

this isn't me." Now, I've also got some comments on the thread as well.

So before I go into them are you surprised about those outcomes from the votes?

I'm interested in, in the percentages.

I'd like to hear more.

Ah, okay.

So, we… Yeah, so some of the comments that we had on the thread was, "As I'm

currently in the middle of a divorce, it's appropriate to say I self-sabotage.

I consider myself a recovering self-sabotager though." So that was

one comment. Another comment was, "I honestly haven't thought about

anything I do as self-sabotage, so uncertain if I do or not.

I would probably say I have bad habits or self-doubt.

Self-doubt," sorry. "I think self-sabotage, as I understand

it, would benefit from a reframe.

If you do it by accident, is it still sabotage?

Or is there just something you haven't realised yet that stops you from

succeeding?" And then another comment was, "Absolutely I do, but I try to catch

myself when I'm in that mindset." And then further commented, "Usually when I have

an idea, then think, 'Nah, can't do that.'

Or if things are going well, I will get into self-destruct mode.

For example, I'm not worth it, so let's ruin it before someone else does." So yes.

Does that sort of paint the picture?

And just a reminder of the percentages.

So out of the 28 people who voted on do you self-sabotage, 71%, 100% that's me.

No.

Yes, 71% said, "100% that's me." Sorry, I confused myself with the two percentages.

21% percent said they don't think so, and 7% said, "This isn't me." So

yeah, thoughts, what are we thinking?

So there's this book that I've been reading, I think we've spoken about

it before, called The Mountain Is You.

And what it's saying is that when you're trying to do something new, if

you are going to achieve, you know, trying to achieve a goal, you're

going out of your comfort zone, and the brain doesn't want that.

The brain wants you to stay exactly where you are because it knows

how to live your life like that.

And when you try and go for a speaking engagement or meet a new, you know,

go into a new circle of people or try a new hobby, it's going, "Ah, I

don't know what to do. I cannot cope with this. Let's just keep you where

you are because I can cope that way."

And then there will be, for many people, like the, like the person

said, "No, you're not worth it.

No, you're not gonna be able to do that," or, "Go and do something else."

So the things that I do less now, but definitely still part of it, if I'm

trying to write something difficult, if I'm trying to create something I

will then suddenly think, "Oh, we've not had homemade bread for a long time.

Let's go and make bread." Because that keeps me in the identity

of somebody I understand.

People like me when I'm making bread.

I mean, who doesn't like bread?

Apart from maybe, you know, if it's got gluten and you're not… You can't have

gluten, then you're not gonna like it.

But- You're less likely to rock the boat if you just do what you've always done.

But if you're gonna rock the boat, if you're going to put yourself in

a place of potentially failing, a, you know, different conversation

about what we consider failing then those self-sabotaging habits are

going to quite often come into play.

Definitely.

Definitely.

And while people were voting on my poll and putting their comments on the thread

as well, I thought about how self-sabotage comes up for me, and I, I struggle

with it if something feels overwhelming or I'm particularly nervous about it.

So if I know especially that it's a good opportunity and I wanna do it, if it

feels like… If I'm nervous about it or something feels overwhelming, that's when

self-sabotage comes, comes out for me.

And it's… I really resonated with one of the comments when they said

that uh, go into self-destruct mode, like ruin it before someone else does.

And I do that in a sense of like not even giving myself a chance.

So whether that's like putting something off until really,

really close to the deadline.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Making decisions under pressure without giving myself the time or space to

research, or struggling to make decisions.

Like, that's a tricky one for me.

I hate making decisions sometimes, and I think that can come up as self-sabotage.

And then you end up… And it's procrastination, isn't it, really?

You're like pushing something away and not really wanting to

ask for help because you're like, "Ah, this feels too overwhelming.

I don't know where to start."

And then you end up staying up until midnight 'cause you've got that

deadline or you, yeah, you don't do it.

Whatever you're doing, the project, whatever it is, you don't give it

your best shot because you've kinda self-sabotaged before you even got there.

So that's how it's come up for me as a reflection.

I'm, you know, I can completely resonate with what you said.

That happened to me recently when I was running the day retreat at home, and I

should've been printing out my handouts, but instead I just did all of the things

that were nice, but not necessary, like putting flowers in the vases.

And then when I came to print, which was 11 o'clock on Saturday night, I ran out

of ink, and I only printed three copies.

Now, it, you know, I made it work, but I should have done that first.

And, and I'm interested in the person who said, "If you do it by

accident." Mm. I think, look, it, it's, it's your subconscious saying,

"No, no, don't do the printing.

You can do that later.

Why don't you set the table?

That'd be far better." And it's not, you're not consciously doing

it, you're subconsciously doing it.

Another one so I booked to go to Ideas Fest.

We'd just come back from holiday, had one day, then it was Ideas Fest,

and I remember feeling really nervous about going, you know, a big full of

6,000 entrepreneurs, and thinking, "What am I even doing there?" Like,

"Why am I going?" And I remember thinking, "Oh, no, I won't go because

there's all of these dishes to do.

There's, I need to unpack." And the, my identity of how do I put

it? I didn't identify as somebody who was an entrepreneur, that was

a founder, that should be in this field talking to other entrepreneurs,

and therefore, subconsciously, I was thinking, "No, I'll just stay at

home because I know how to do that.

I'm comfortable here." And I nearly didn't go. But in the end,

I just said, you know, "Whatever.

Just see how day one goes.

If I don't like day one, I won't go to day two." And I actually met some

lovely people and learnt lots of things.

So your sense of identity also will then impact how you self-sabotage.

Fabulous.

Fabulous.

So it's been really good to sort of lay the land of, okay,

what self sa- sabotage is.

My little poll, see what other people think, how we experience

self-sabotage and what comes up for us.

So I think we are in a good place to take a short break, because in part two we're

gonna cover some practical, 'cause we always, always promise practical things

that you can implement and put in place.

So yes, we'll giving, we'll be giving you strategies to deal

with the dreaded self-sabotage.

So join us in part two

shall we do as we promised, Tazmin, and give our listeners those practical

strategies to deal with self-sabotage?

Absolutely

Okay

You want me to start off, or are you going to start off?

Well, I sounds like you've got some strategies written down.

So what I suggest we do is I'll go through my list of what I've, I've put

together and then if there's any time that you want to add to it or anything

that I've missed at the end, definitely pop your strategies in there as well.

'Cause, yes, always love your nuggets, Tazmin.

They're always very, very helpful.

Okay.

So first things first, take a breath.

There we go.

That has really helped me, and I didn't even know that I needed a breath.

Take a breath because you're not the only one.

So hopefully the start of this episode has kind of laid the land of, okay, other

people are dealing with self-sabotage.

You're not on your own, pal.

Other people are feeling it too.

Step number two is identify your triggers and patterns.

So self-awareness, you want to start understanding your own trends.

So when you're doing something new for the first time or when something feels big to

you, like what sort of triggers, patterns, trends do you notice in yourself?

Yeah?

Because without having that awareness of this is something happens and this

is how it shows up for me, you don't know how then to, yeah, deal with it.

Step number three is find people that you can lean on to

ask questions and get support.

Sometimes we forget that we can ask.

This was very relevant for me when I was first s- in the SEO industry.

When I first started this career, I didn't think I could ask questions

'cause I had to know everything.

I was the expert, right?

But you don't know what you don't know, and if you're doing something

new, ask others how they dealt with it, what came up for them.

And it's not that you have to take everything on board what they're

saying and implement yourself, but just have conversations to

understand, okay, what can I expect?

'Cause having people's first accounts is really helpful.

So you could do that by messaging people on LinkedIn that you know, joining a

community su- such as Women in Tech SEO talking to a friend or colleague over

the phone or messages or going out for coffee, whatever it is, get support.

And then my last two, and then I'm eager to hear Tazmin's as well.

So number four is I'm a big fan of chunking the big tasks down.

So self-sabotage comes to me when I feel overwhelmed, and I'm like, "How do I even

get to that end goal that I need to go to?" Whether that is putting together

a strategy or a review for a client, maybe you need to put a roadmap together.

Maybe you're putting together a talk or you're doing some coaching

for your team or a client.

And whatever it is, the end goal might feel massive, so just chunk it down

and decide, "Okay, what's the first small thing I need to get the ball

rolling?" And then you build off that.

And then my last one is notice those negative inner thoughts, and don't beat

yourself up, but witness what is coming in and write it down, these negative

thoughts, and then try and reframe it.

So for example, "I'm feeling so overwhelmed.

I need to put together a strategy to improve whatever for a client.

I don't even know where to start.

I am so bad at my job.

I am so overwhelmed.

What do I even do?" You could reframe that to, "This feels overwhelming

because it's a big undefined task, not because I'm a bad at my job.

I don't need the whole strategy right now.

I just need one next step.

Let me pick one thing to look at first." Yeah, as an example.

So just to firm up.

So take a breath.

You're not the only one.

Identify your triggers and patterns.

Find people that you can lean on for support.

Chunk big tasks down, and notice those negative inner thoughts.

Tazmin, would you like to build on any, or is there any others that

you'd like to throw into the mix?

So, um, I just want to take a step back and remind myself, yourself,

everyone, that these, these things that we're doing, they are opportunities for

us to get better at you, at being us.

Mm. So myself s- at the end of the day, the biggest goal, the

ultimate goal, is for us all to be better at being ourselves.

And when I, when I read that book, The Mountain Is You, it really

brought it home that the thing that I need to conquer is me.

So that's number one.

Again, number two, taking a step back, know why the work is important to you.

Not that project, not that day, not that, that particular

presentation, but take a step back.

Why is it that you're doing what you're doing?

So this is something I remind myself of.

I might be finding this particular moment really hard, and all of these thoughts

are coming into my mind, but actually, I'm building a coaching business because

it matters to me, because I feel good when I help other people get better at

their lives and have a better life or a career or whatever that looks like.

So if I have to go through some uncomfortable moments or

some difficult times, so be it.

You know, it's, it's… I don't wanna give it up, so I'm just gonna have to deal

with the problems that I'm dealing with.

So that's, that's two things that I remind myself of.

The more day-to-day things that I, that really help me is identity.

So I'm talking, you know, I'm thinking more and more about identity now.

I'm a mum, I'm a wife, I'm a grandmother, I'm a podcaster, I'm a

coach, I'm a member of my community.

I'm lots of different roles, as is everyone.

In that moment, who am I?

So if I am a podcaster right now, that's what I'm doing, then those other things

that might take me off track, I don't pay attention to those things, because

right now, this is what I want to do.

If I'm writing a talk that's what I'm gonna do.

And if you ring me at the time, although it might be very tempting to sit and have

a natter with Sarah, no, that's not what I'm doing because I'm writing this talk,

because that's my identity at the time.

So before you start any task, you can remind yourself of I'm a

freelancer, I'm this, I'm that, especially if it's something you're

just beginning to do, because it's very easy to get derailed then.

The other thing is

What I do a lot, and I'm trying to get better at it, is

this thing called uprooting.

So have you ever built maybe it's a masterclass, maybe it's

a talk and you think, "Oh, it's good, but it's not that good.

You know, I need to write it again." And then you write it

again and then think, "Oh, but it'd be so much better if I did this.

I'll write it again.

I'll write it…" I have done that so many times recently, and I really have to

ask myself, "Is that next rewrite going to make that thing so much better, or

am I just sabotaging my chance to grow?"

It's very true.

Does that resonate with you?

Do you do the whole uprooting thing?

Um, so as in, like, constantly perfection- like,

this is perfectionism, isn't it?

Yeah.

So, like, you're redoing something over and over again because, yeah,

you don't feel like it's good enough.

Yeah … and I have done it in the past, but I'm more on the other spectrum of

because I procrastinate and push something so much to the deadline, I don't even give

myself enough chance to p- possibly do it-

Oh

justice.

So I'm on the other scale.

Do you know what I mean?

Like-

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So it's interesting, isn't it?

Yeah.

Even in that, like, there has been times where, yeah- Yeah … definitely

I've redone it, redone it, redone it.

But, like, there has also been times where I've just pushed it so much because I'm

like, "Ah, this is scary," that I, like, procrastinate, push until the deadline

is, like, there and I'm like, "Well, I'm just gonna have to do something."

Yeah.

So the uprooting thing, what helps me is actually visualizing little plants

in the soil and think, "Oh, no, if I rewrite this thing, I'm gonna pluck

this plant out of the soil, and it's not gonna survive. Let it just be in the

soil and I'll nurture it, and that'd be so much better." So that, that helps me.

And I think what I'd like to end with is to say to, to everyone and myself

is you f- you're doing these things, we're doing these things because

we're trying for a, a bigger goal or something that's- Mm … important.

We want to progress.

And it's normal.

It's absolutely normal to self-sabotage.

It's just catching yourself in the moment, like you said, maybe journaling

about it, again, as you said, to pick up those patterns and know, actually,

when I sit down to do this piece of work, I'm likely to uproot it,

so I- I'm not gonna do that thing.

Or I'm likely to get derailed by one of my other identities so I'm gonna remind

myself that this is important to me.

I've got this.

It doesn't have to be perfect.

Let's just get it done, and the more times we do it, the better

we get at, at not self-sabotaging.

Definit-

yes, definitely.

Definitely.

And I think that what you've just said possibly leads to my main takeaway, and

it's stealing what you've said before, that this is an opportunity, and often-

Feelings of nervousness and feelings of excitement are very similar, right?

And like, if you can reframe it and be like, "Do you know what? I'm

having this nervous energy because I'm excited. It's an opportunity, and

it's like getting me where I want to go," and just being kind to yourself

that no one is an expert overnight.

No one is really good at the thing that you see them doing now from the get-go.

We've all had to learn.

We've all had to mess up.

We've all had to fluff up, and that is all part of the process, and I suppose

it's getting familiar with that.

So yes that would be my takeaway.

Yes.

Well, that brings us to the end of this week's episode.

So hopefully you feel seen and heard, and you can relate to what me and Tazmin

have spoken about around self-sabotage.

I very much enjoyed this conversation.

And yes, great strategies, great nuggets that we can implement and do better.

Is there anything else that you'd like to say on this topic, Tazmin,

before we wrap up for good?

No, I'm good.

Let's wrap up.

Well, not for good, just for this episode.

Just for this episode

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Tazmin, shall we say goodbye.

Take care of yourselves, and until next time.

Take care everyone, until next time